It’s been awhile. It’s been a road. It’s been a challenging season with way too many things happening all at once that’s taking a heavy toll on me in every way possible.
But knowing that God isn’t surprised at all and that He will make all things right brings some comfort and peace sometimes. I am not yet angry with God. Honestly. It isn’t His doing that finds us with the reality of the end days or months of our mom’s life.
I AM angry though. I am fighting not being resentful of her because a good portion of this she did have control over and chose not to change habits or lifestyle. And then there’s the financial choices she made and didn’t which leaves us to figure out to not only pay for her basic needs but her cremation or services when the time comes. In my heart, I know that day is far more near than we would hope it to be, and at the same time I ask God to take her home.
When the anger and resentment comes I am reminded of “thou shall not judge” and have to look in the mirror.
And so, trying to live in one moment at a time is stupid hard when we also have to make decisions that are best for her when there’s so many if/then scenarios in play.
So, I keep praying. I keep trusting. I keep doing. I keep feeling. I keep struggling to accept the love, care, and offers of help in various forms. I forget how to love others and let others love me. I do.
What we are dealing with isn’t uncommon. It’s not any harder than what other families go through. There’s no chapter in the playbook that explains how to deal with making the best decisions possible during a deadly virus outbreak. There’s no chapter that adds in our very special set of family dynamics. There’s just not.
Mixed in with total hell is absolute joy and amazing grace. I have a lot to talk about and yet nothing to say. I’m exhausted and cannot sleep at the same time. I’m in the middle of both/and. We are in the middle of a storm and a miracle.
Whenever I start to wonder what the next day looks like let alone the next few months I am assured that He is already there.
I just returned from an extended trip to the home country. I had four glorious weeks at H O M E in Montana.
One would think that in all of that beauty and serenity, that words would have come to me like a firehose but that is not what happened. Since returning to the desert, the words still have not been there. So weird for someone th at is constantly thinking and pondering and wondering and seemingly has a lot to say-sometimes too much to say.
While I was reading Bible scriptures and trying to get back in the groove today, I was thinking about the feeling of home and all that it was and all that it is. I was thinking about where God has me in this moment and season and seriously wondering why I could not feel Him. As if He has gone anywhere.
Maybe I was so focused on praying about my daughter’s return to health from having contracted COVID-19 that there was no room for any other words.
Part of the issue is that I am still recovering and reflecting on all that I was able to see, do and experience while at home with family in the places I love most. The other part, I suddenly realized, is that He is not gone away but my heart and soul are so at peace that I am not sure what to do with myself.
I know that He has filled so many holes in my heart over the years and that He has and will continue to do so. I just realized today that He was doing just that while I was on my little adventure. I was so filled up in His presence and surrounded by His glory that the holes were made whole. Even if for just a little moment in time, I was completely at peace and totally in a place of calm and serenity.
As a recovering codependent that tends to thrive in chaos, find chaos and create chaos when things become too calm (i.e. too close to making room for feelings and vulnerability) I am not looking for chaos but definitely not settled in calmness. So weird how that little itchy spot still tends to itch without me even realizing it. No surprise to Him, I am sure.
John 3:17 says this: “Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”
No truer words apply for this day. No greater hope for what that scripture means for the one day that He returns or even for tomorrow.
The words are coming, He continues to fill the holes and make me whole, and I am full of gratitude and hope even when I don’t understand.
So how are the holes in your heart? Are you feeling them or are you filling them? What are you filling them with?
Today, I am not sad or imprisoned by the full-on firehose blast of social media content and news content that shows us the images of division, despair, death and diversity all mixed into one bag.
I have had conversations over the past week or two regarding the current social climate and how that is affecting our already emotionally drained souls (read COVID-19). I have not chosen to engage in most of what I am seeing and reading based on what I felt God telling me in my heart. I know what happens to my emotional health when I start getting wrapped up in the endless hours of non-stop immersion and connection to on-demand information and opinion.
I could hear Him telling me that a wise person holds their tongue. A wise person does not add gasoline to the fire or engage in conversations that there is no easy answer or immediate peace over.
I could also hear him telling me to shut my mouth when I felt judgment coming forth. Right after this all started exploding I saw a person that clearly believes differently than I do with outright blatant racism tattooed across their back. Boy oh boy did I have a few things to say and wanted to ask him, but instead chose to close my mouth and assume the best instead of the worst.
I’ve heard him say shut your mouth, when I see something that is hysterically funny to me and also tone-deaf to the situation at hand. I have chosen to sort of keep my filter on, but instead, I have chosen to share that levity with a choice few safe people. Humor is sometimes better than the gross reality, and it is healthier for me to laugh a little than to slide into despair over things that are really outside my control. Mostly out of my control, anyway.
“For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew 12:37
My mouth may be mostly silent, but my heart is not. My heart is in turmoil and also in peace at the same time. Anyone besides me just totally emotionally drained?
It is exhausting to feel the depth of pain that our black brothers and sisters have felt and still feel today. When I try to think about how they walk out their door every day knowing they will be targeted for the color of their skin and how emotionally draining and scary that is for someone, it makes me want to vomit, scream and cry all at the same time.
I am heartbroken for the police officers and their families that are lumped into the mess that one or two or five individuals that were or are police officers caused.
When I watch people looting and rioting (different than peacefully protesting) and think about the depth of the frustration that they feel for whatever reason they are doing what they are, I am both fascinated and disturbed.
When I look for the good things that are happening in the middle of this mess, I have to search far and wide to see those reflections, stories and images. I don’t want to have to muddle through the anger, violence, blaming, arguing and generally ignorance to find them. That makes me sad, so I choose to not do either as much as possible.
I know that none of this is new. All of this has been happening in one form or another for a long, long time. This is not new to Him and certainly no surprise. He has control even when it all feels and looks like it is out of control. Always,still and right now today.
We can do better, and also join the fight to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. I believe that starts with more listening to God and each other first. Listening before speaking. Pausing before posting. Hearing past the words and what the real message and truth is.
Give yourself permission to feel the huge pendulum swing that this is bringing up in you. Choose where those feelings land, though. That’s just what I am choosing for my own self and maybe it will help you as well.
I am choosing to disconnect, and really listen to what God is saying to me personally and how I can take action to continue to listen, learn and love better than I do now in all circumstances.
What are you doing today to be part of the solution to your own personal response to this opportunity and challenge? Are you pouring fuel on the flames or are you sitting with Him asking Him what He wants to teach you in the middle?