Keeping it Real

When patience is tested

I got up at least 6 times throughout the night last night and my cranky was at a level 4, but not quite defcon level 5.

It’s been like this every night for almost a week now. I don’t know that I remember how to have a newborn in the house again. But that drive kicks in and we do what we do because that’s what love does.

To be clear, I am not always appreciative of the opportunity to be tested in my patience or my grace. In fact, while getting my mom patient dressed this morning I may or may not have told her that I would suffocate her if she didn’t start sleeping at night. She knew I was kidding, but for the real, I am whooped.

I cannot help but see how God sees me again and again, doing the same dumb things that cause trouble or pain or rattle my peace. He keeps loving me when I keep Him up all night, I am sure.

And the next morning He wakes me up to continue to live and love loudly knowing that before nightfall my patience will be tested and I will also have the chance to love bigger. Like making a fancy breakfast for the one that keeps me up all night, He loves big and loves when I am exhausting because He so loves me and you as well.

He loves still. He loves despite and He loves because love does.

So, I invite you to reflect and share about the times you are exhausted and your peace has been rattled. Do you choose to love bigger and louder? How do you change the trajectory of your day and perspective when you’re whooped? Can you see yourself and others through the eyes of grace?

Hope

Choosing a response

So, today I moved my mom in with me. I knew when God said that He wanted me to trust Him and do this that I would choose to respond.

There was some arguing and whining about what it would cost me, but in truth what it cost me (emotionally and physically, not financially) is far less than what it has already gained me. I didn’t do it because of the benefit to me in any way, I did it because God says love Him and love others. She is an other no matter our history.

And so, today I settled her in, made her lunch and helped her shower. I was hit with the image of Jesus washing His disciples feet as I washed her hair. It was in that moment that I gained another HUGE perspective about choosing the response He would ask me to. Choosing the response that looks past so many things and sees your incredibly sick mother as another piece of His handiwork and having compassion for her and the things she didn’t choose as I would have it.

Choosing to see the incredible love and compassion that He has for me. A broken sinner, learning to live loved and love like Jesus.

Today was a special day and affirmation that His plans are always better than my own.

My encouragement for you today, dear loved ones, no matter who or what you believe is to see those around you with the eyes of compassion. Check to see if there are places and relationships in your life that you may not be choosing the best response for them or for you and then choose to adjust if needed.

Hope

Staying in the moment when I would rather not

It’s been awhile. It’s been a road. It’s been a challenging season with way too many things happening all at once that’s taking a heavy toll on me in every way possible.

But knowing that God isn’t surprised at all and that He will make all things right brings some comfort and peace sometimes. I am not yet angry with God. Honestly. It isn’t His doing that finds us with the reality of the end days or months of our mom’s life.

I AM angry though. I am fighting not being resentful of her because a good portion of this she did have control over and chose not to change habits or lifestyle. And then there’s the financial choices she made and didn’t which leaves us to figure out to not only pay for her basic needs but her cremation or services when the time comes. In my heart, I know that day is far more near than we would hope it to be, and at the same time I ask God to take her home.

When the anger and resentment comes I am reminded of “thou shall not judge” and have to look in the mirror.

And so, trying to live in one moment at a time is stupid hard when we also have to make decisions that are best for her when there’s so many if/then scenarios in play.

So, I keep praying. I keep trusting. I keep doing. I keep feeling. I keep struggling to accept the love, care, and offers of help in various forms. I forget how to love others and let others love me. I do.

What we are dealing with isn’t uncommon. It’s not any harder than what other families go through. There’s no chapter in the playbook that explains how to deal with making the best decisions possible during a deadly virus outbreak. There’s no chapter that adds in our very special set of family dynamics. There’s just not.

Mixed in with total hell is absolute joy and amazing grace. I have a lot to talk about and yet nothing to say. I’m exhausted and cannot sleep at the same time. I’m in the middle of both/and. We are in the middle of a storm and a miracle.

Whenever I start to wonder what the next day looks like let alone the next few months I am assured that He is already there.

Hope, Keeping it Real

Flipping the Script

Since this entire year seems to have been flipped upside down and is nothing like any of us would have imagined or dreamed, I may as well just start thinking about what else can be flipped upside down. 

Way back about 47 months ago, the word “intentional” was placed on my heart. Like 2020 was going to be the year full of intentional friendships, time, giving, self-care and adventures. Well, I suppose it has been and still is but it looks on the outside a whole lot different than I thought it would. 

What about you? Did He give you a word? Do you do that? Disclaimer: I don’t sit down and ask God to give me a word that defines my year or any of that stuff, it just sort of happened without my asking for it or doing some sort of special ceremonial ritual. I was thinking about it and since He can hear our thoughts and knows our every need there it was. 

So the lifetime months since the beginning of this pandemic have really flipped the script on a lot of things. From social connection, to social isolation; from external self-care to internal self-care; from outward physical affection to asking for permission to hug your best friend; and the list goes on.

One of the things that has been flipped upside down AGAIN in my own heart and mind is self care. For me, that looked like the textbook examples of napping, time alone to recharge,  journaling, reading, quiet time with God, etc. It still does include all of that.

 But the definition of self care has been changed once again to include more than just those wonderful things and I am beginning to understand how He is at work to get me to surrender to His will. I think that is what is happening anyway. 

One of the things that this expert-level recovering codependent tends to do in their unhealthy coping mechanisms is to go from one extreme to another and also to slide into a place of isolation as a means of protection. Sound familiar? I used to do that all the time and I know where the slippery slope is. 

Do you know your slippery slope? We all do, but this whole idea of social distancing and self care can be turned into Satan’s playground if we are not careful and accountable and connected to the people who will call us out on our crap. Right?  

So, now I have the understanding of the word intentional and how, no matter what is happening in the world outside the door today, that God still has a plan for my life, my year, and my today. 

I am intentionally choosing to flip the script on what self care means. I am choosing to accept the things I can and let go of what I cannot control. I am choosing to seek His guidance for knowing the difference and desperately seeking courage to do the things. 

I am flipping the script in the middle of the year in what has got to be the craziest way yet that God has used to get my attention. Where are you with all of this crazy? Are you choosing to lean in to see what He has for you in this? Do you need to redefine some things? Because it appears that He has us in this storm for a little while longer.