Hope

Staying in the moment when I would rather not

It’s been awhile. It’s been a road. It’s been a challenging season with way too many things happening all at once that’s taking a heavy toll on me in every way possible.

But knowing that God isn’t surprised at all and that He will make all things right brings some comfort and peace sometimes. I am not yet angry with God. Honestly. It isn’t His doing that finds us with the reality of the end days or months of our mom’s life.

I AM angry though. I am fighting not being resentful of her because a good portion of this she did have control over and chose not to change habits or lifestyle. And then there’s the financial choices she made and didn’t which leaves us to figure out to not only pay for her basic needs but her cremation or services when the time comes. In my heart, I know that day is far more near than we would hope it to be, and at the same time I ask God to take her home.

When the anger and resentment comes I am reminded of “thou shall not judge” and have to look in the mirror.

And so, trying to live in one moment at a time is stupid hard when we also have to make decisions that are best for her when there’s so many if/then scenarios in play.

So, I keep praying. I keep trusting. I keep doing. I keep feeling. I keep struggling to accept the love, care, and offers of help in various forms. I forget how to love others and let others love me. I do.

What we are dealing with isn’t uncommon. It’s not any harder than what other families go through. There’s no chapter in the playbook that explains how to deal with making the best decisions possible during a deadly virus outbreak. There’s no chapter that adds in our very special set of family dynamics. There’s just not.

Mixed in with total hell is absolute joy and amazing grace. I have a lot to talk about and yet nothing to say. I’m exhausted and cannot sleep at the same time. I’m in the middle of both/and. We are in the middle of a storm and a miracle.

Whenever I start to wonder what the next day looks like let alone the next few months I am assured that He is already there.

Hope

Be Careful That You Don’t Fall

It blows my mind how God sends the exact things at the exact moment that we need to hear them, or at least He does that for me.

I was in the shower this morning having a conversation with Him about the status of things and passionately telling Him I just did not understand all of this and what the point is/was in drawing the recent months into what feels like forever. 

As I am having this conversation I heard Him speak to me inside my very soul asking me, “Dig deeper. What’s really underneath all of this?” I both love and hate it when you hear Him tell you something that you literally have uttered out loud to someone else a time or two. You know those times when a friend is feeling all sorts of out of shape and not quite sure what the actual problem is and you put on your best friend/sponsor/counselor/sister voice and make them really get honest with themselves? 

Seriously God? Well, okay then. I thought about that prompting and asked myself that very same question. What is underneath all of this? As it turns out, there’s a wee bit of fear of change, rejection and abandonment wrapped up into a nice little package of not wanting to have to adjust because adjusting is not what I really feel like doing right now. Do you know what I mean? Please tell me I am not alone in this. 

There is a scripture in the Bible that says, “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” (1 Corinthians 10:12) and you will never guess what came to mind today. 

The truth is that pretty much nobody is all excited about having to adjust when it isn’t in their game plan. I knew months ago that there was so much good that was going to come out of this reset, slowdown, crisis, or whatever you want to call it. There HAS BEEN GOOD. Truly, there has. 

The problem is, the longer it goes on the more difficult it is to see, and that brings me back to my point about not slipping and falling. Perhaps, that sneaky little bugger that wants to steal, kill and destroy has gotten a bit of a foothold inside your head or heart, too. He is not firmly planted, but when we start looking under what is underneath and recognize the traps he so craftily sets for each of us I see that the gray is getting gray and things are getting pretty slippery. 

When the underlying fears surface and the real truth is told or admitted then the gray cannot get any grayer and the slowdown can still be a good, good God thing that He will turn into so many things for His glory and our good. Let’s face it, none of us really like to admit what we really feel or think from time to time. It’s just not our human nature. We want to hide and that leads to the slippery slope we should go to any lengths to avoid. 

Your turn. Have you found yourself on the slippery slope? What have you not admitted to yourself, to God or someone you trust lately? I challenge you, as I challenge myself today, to not become complacent or afraid to passionately share with Him what you really think or feel. He is a big God and He can handle it. Be careful that you don’t fall.