Hope, Keeping it Real

When Everything Stops and Doesn’t Stop All at Once

It’s been a while. It’s been a year and it has been five minutes and it has been a hellacious couple of weeks. In the middle of this, I sure hope you find some encouragement.

Labor Day 5:39-ish p.m. (September 7, 2020) my whole world as I knew it tipped upside down. The phone calls began. The searching began. The calm mixed with panic began. The expecting the worst and praying for the best began. 

What do you do when you find out that your mother is lost, delusional and doesn’t really want to cooperate in being located? You drive. Like a bat out of hell. You talk on the phone, text and break all the rules while you communicate with your sister and two different police dispatchers in two different towns. 

That night, everything I knew stopped and did not stop. Since then, it has been a nightmare and a blessing all mixed up in one. 

We just found out the hard way that my mom has dementia with behavioral disturbances. We just found out she knew something was going on and hid it from everyone. We just found out her financial condition, the condition of her home and health and her mind all at once. To say it has been an overwhelming experience is a total understatement. 

A few weeks before things really blew up, I had written her a letter. From the phone calls that I was getting from my sister and all of the things happening, it was clear that something was not right. It was there, and yet we were in denial. But I was not in denial about the fact that after 4.5 years of estrangement, I was now in a place that I needed my mom to know I loved her despite all that had happened between us. If the worst was happening, I did not want her to disappear from our lives feeling or thinking that I did not love, admire and forgive her over and over again. She received that letter, and she knew how I felt and received everything I needed to say to her and all that she needed to hear. What an awesome thing God did to allow that to happen at just the right time. No matter what happens now, she knows.

I have spent more time in my car and eating on the road than I have in my own home over the last two weeks. I have driven a minimum of 125 miles a day, moved her belongings, seen her face every single day, and talked to her multiple times a day in between. And the doctors. And the lawyers. And the family. And the friends. 

I have received the incredible blessing of love and support in hugs, gift cards, prayers, texts, phone calls and all sorts of ways. That family of friends that has been my lifeline is right with me holding me up. Holding us up. HE is holding us up. 

We have been told by one memory care home that they would love to have her, then decided against it in the same 24-hour period leaving us to scramble to find something else because she was soon to be discharged from where she was being taken care of. She clearly cannot fully take care of herself, and that stubborn, independent, adventurous part of her is still very much there but in a very delusional and unsafe way. I have a lot to say about the care she received before arriving at the place she will call home now. I have a lot to say about the lack of care and compassion and concern and the disgusting truth about some of what has been experienced. I have a lot of funny/not funny stories about what she has said and done mixed in with the terrifying facts and experiences and what-could-have-been as well. All of these things I will wait to tell you about if I ever do. All that matters right now is she is safe, that I have a whole new perspective on many things, and that I am so incredibly sad for the families that don’t have the same supports or information that ours currently does. 

I have learned how awesome the brain is and how memories get mixed up and what dementia looks like from the inside out so far. All of this, with my sister and best friend right next to me, and my brother just a phone call away. I have laughed, cried, grieved, mourned, been angry, and been detached all at once. Being all of these things all at one time is so freaking exhausting. 

But God. He has provided the exact amount of financial support that I need to have food and gas. He knew this was coming.  He has provided financial assistance to carry us through her first month of VERY expensive care while we jump through all of the hoops to get her situated. 

He has provided a safe place for her with LOVING people that understand the impact of dementia on families as well as the impact of the stupid effing pandemic that keeps us apart from each other. I have been able to settle her into her new home (mostly) and see her face-to-face without a window, for as long as we want to sit together, and they look the other way when she forgets that she cannot hug her kids right now. 

He knew it was coming because there are countless people in my life that have experienced or are experiencing this. We/I have support and people that have gone before to help answer questions. A lot of it. He knew what we would need far before we asked for it. 

I tell you what, if I told you all the ways that He has shown up you just would hardly believe it. But I do, because He has. 

So, I don’t apologize for not writing or creating. I have been merely surviving and waddling through each day the best I can. The best we can. This has been a team effort for sure. Some of you have been part of this and I don’t have words right now to tell you what that has meant. Thank you is not sufficient. 

My prayer requests are that we get to have our mom with us as long as possible; that my brother would get his butt on a plane and get down here before she does not know who he is; that the neurologists would have a clear answer and path for what happens next; and that the path would be wide and smooth for the paperwork and things that have to be put in place in order to provide her the best care possible in the months ahead. 

Everything stopped and didn’t stop all at once. Chances are the progression of the disease is going to move forward, not backward. Chances are this is going to be a long road for a long time. Chances are that mom will know that she is loved, cared for and pampered with pretty much whatever her heart desires along the way. 

Hope, Keeping it Real

The If/Then Equation

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear them from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

Our Father God is a relational, loving God. This scripture is found in the Bible after the first temple in Jerusalem has been completed and King Solomon threw a week-long party. That party led to a walk of shame.

Perhaps what He is saying is that He doesn’t want a fancy building or our constant efforts (works) to impress, serve, or get close to Him. He wants our hearts. He wants our trust. He wants to hear from His children. 

He wants us to not call ourselves Christ followers but to be Christ followers. And notice that this scripture points out the if/then equation. Notice that He lines it out very simply.

If we humble ourselves (admit our need for the Savior), seek Him (crave His face, guidance and goodness), and repent (stop doing, saying, thinking and believing the things that lead to our own walks of shame) and call to Him THEN He promises to hear us, forgive us and heal our land.

That’s a sure deal. A sure bet. A guaranteed promise. 

Throughout the Bible, He tells us the recipe for a healthy life-a healthy land is to believe and receive. When He speaks about healthy land He is asking us to get right with Him, with others and to share His goodness with the people that don’t know Him. We have the opportunity to do His work alongside Him. 

We make that far more complicated through our limited understanding and the things that we have experienced or witnessed in the name of Christianity. Even at that, if we repent (the 5-dollar Bible word for turning from our old compulsive behaviors and actions)  He is dancing and celebrating simply hearing our words. 

Every promise and prophecy in the Bible has been fulfilled in and through Jesus. His timing may not be the same as ours, but He does what He says He will do. Every time.

We get things so out of order sometimes. We think we have to get our act together or be better or do better to experience the relentless and reckless love of God. That’s religion.

Jesus calls us into relationship just as we are. In and through Him, we will experience healing. In and through Him we will experience the fulfillment of the if/then equation. Humility isn’t the same as weakness. Humility is surrender and right-sized thinking. 

Thoughts for the day: How have you already experienced the if/then equation with Jesus? What do you need to stop doing? What do you need to start doing?

Prayer: Father God-thank You that you that You understand our tendency to do the wrong thing. Thank You that You fulfill every promise You ever make. Forgive me for making that so complicated. Help me to let go of the chains of shame and begin to hold up my end of the deal. I humbly admit my need for You today and every day. Amen

Keeping it Real

Permission without Pretending

The other day I said something to my person, my best friend, and it seemed inappropriate and random at the time, but it has really stuck with me for a few days.

I said, “If I stay pissed off and pretend I am mad, then it keeps the feelings of insecurity and all of that away so I am choosing to stay mad about it.” 

She laughed at me and with me, and then said to me, “I get it. I am on your team, and I am not going anywhere. If that’s what you need to do for yourself, then okay.” 

I am in a bit of a headspace right now where I am fighting feelings of insecurity and wanting to kick myself in the ass for risking vulnerability and not sure I can trust my own judgement while waiting on some sort of change or judgement or course-correction to come down. 

There are so many hard things happening around us. Good Lord, this is turning out to be the absolute longest year of my life. While so many awesome things have happened and are still happening, I am literally emotionally exhausted. I think we all are for one reason or another. 

I am going through the list of comparison, disillusionment, what-if, over-thinking and still somehow choosing to manage to get up and show up. I so badly want to make the best of a shitty situation and somehow keep living. Everything is so freaking complicated at this point and it is wearing me down. 

I do want to stay mad. But I have a rule about that. I tell myself that I am allowed to feel what I feel, rational or not, for a day. Maybe two. We can get happy in the same pants we got grumpy in. 

But this time, I am feeling like I just want to stay there. I want to stay guarded, stay walled up, stay protected and not risk anything other than finding out who is with me in the middle of this and who isn’t. And then, I don’t actually care because I can function in lone-ranger mode if I need to. Well, I do care and I don’t want to actually be in lone-ranger mode but I tell myself I do so I can feel better for a minute. 

In a time where nothing and everything makes sense, and it just seems like one plot-twist after another, I don’t want the plot twists that they always have been. I would rather avoid that. The reality is, that risking a different outcome takes a different approach and a bigger trust and confidence that it will all work out the way it is meant to. 

I want it to be certain. I am exhausted from uncertainty. I am exhausted from being in the middle of plot twist after plot twist after plot twist.

I still give myself permission to choose how I want to or need to respond. I am still choosing to do what I need to do to survive and am hopeful that choosing to survive will be turned back into choosing to thrive.

Joy Junkie

Be well! Get honest and real with that one or two people that you are not afraid to risk vulnerability with and hold nothing back. If we can manage that today, then we are moving in the right direction. Maybe it doesn’t look or feel like the next right thing, but I am telling you that we have to continue to give ourselves permission to be right where we are whether that is gloriously undignified and irrational or not. Eventually, one day at a time, we can move from there to the next right thing. 

Where you are, what you are feeling and what you are thinking right now is okay. It doesn’t mean it’s true or accurate but give yourself permission to go through that story of what you are telling yourself and then talk about it. Talk about it when it makes no sense, it isn’t pretty or appropriate or polished.  

The people that aren’t going anywhere can help you unbullshitify the story. 

Hope, Keeping it Real, Struggle Bus

Rising Above Rejection

I have been wrestling with some ideas and thoughts for a little while about rejection and how to rise above it. In the middle of that process, I have begun to recognize how easy it is to become more about routine than relational. 

I personally realize that some of the things I have done or been doing are taking me further away from the intended destination than I even recognized. When and where things have become so routine that I am further away from my purpose and contentment, and damn it if there is not a sense of people pleasing in the middle of it all. 

But God, as I know and understand Him, has continued to show me about rising above rejection. Even so, how things that have served me so well are now becoming routine and not reaching me as deeply as they once did. Having been one that has compromised self-worth, dignity and self-care for the sake of others while sick and deep in codependency I hoped that I would not do the same things again. In a sense, I think I am. I think I could be compromising and rejecting parts of myself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with but are hidden out of sight because I thought it was what I had to do in order to belong, in order to do what was right, honorable, Godly and approved of. Approved of by who is the question. 

For me, I am recognizing how I have compromised by continuing to do what I have always done at the cost of losing myself again. Not in the same ways that I would and did before recovery and before Jesus, but compromising just the same. 

I am fairly confident that God as I know Him says I am fully known and fully loved. In fact, I know that is true. I think deeply, pray, read, research and review from different angles quite frequently. I have to ask myself, and people that I trust to tell me the truth, if I am in denial at all or just a little bit or not at all just to be sure. We all know how easy it is to rationalize. 

For hell’s sake it makes me so freaking mad when I see the patterns that I thought were long broken sneaking in. I hate how my past tendencies to hide and not talk about what I am really thinking or feeling sneaks in there. It really frustrates this recovering perfectionist knowing that I know better, and yet find myself doing it again. Still. 

Friends, here’s the thing. We get to decide. We get to choose. We get to turn away from those old patterns again and again and again. We get to deepen our relationship with God as we understand Him and don’t need to do the same things over and over again just because it is routine or safe or comfortable. Nothing big happens when we hold back. 

So, as I become increasingly aware of just how individualized and special that relationship between He and I is, I would encourage you to fight to rise above rejection. Do the healing work, do the new things, and be not afraid to rise above rejection experienced in the past and experienced by our own doing and understanding. 

Just because it is safe and comfortable, doesn’t mean it is right. Thank God I have people to remind me of that from time to time. I don’t grow when I get too comfortable. And in a time where God keeps whispering, “Move, loved one.” I am beginning to see more of what that means. Honestly, He keeps telling me in many ways, and I am moving. I am moving ever so slowly towards what He has been trying to get me see in all arenas of my life, not just the ones that I thought.

How are you capitalizing on the time you are in, the time that you have to work at rising above rejection? Are you setting boundaries and/or letting go of things that have served their purpose and time? Are you ready to move into a new time of rising above rejection after finding that you have been invited and reminded to stop rejecting your whole self? 

Hope, Keeping it Real

Operating in the And Also

There’s a term, a thing, in psychology called black and white thinking. It also could be referred to as splitting or polarized thinking. 

If you have done recovery work, are doing recovery work and have ever experienced trauma maybe you can understand this idea of black and white thinking. It’s a life stealer if you ask me. I used to operate there regularly, and have learned to operate in the “and also” over the years. 

The polarized thinking that steals pieces of our lives, relationships, opportunities and memories maybe sounds like: 

  • It is or it isn’t there is not in between.
  • He is the best thing that ever happened to me or he is the devil incarnate there is no in between.
  • You always. 
  • You never.
  • It always….
  • It never….

That thought pattern keeps us from seeing the world as it is: complex and full of different shades of every color in between black and white. Right? It holds us in a place of extremes, and nobody likes to live at nor thrives best at one extreme or the other. It’s difficult to have much of a life or quality of life at those extremes. 

I have got to be on guard against slipping into that type of thinking as a regular way of functioning, coping (read NOT COPING) or facing the real issue. I can say that operating in the and also is a much healthier, fruitful, wise and hopeful way to live and think. God carefully reminds me, from time to time, that I have slipped or that even in the smallest ways I can and do respond in a black and white way instead of an and also way. How about you? 

There’s the big-time, big deal examples of seeing a hard circumstance as just bad, just hard and just impossible. The flip side? There’s the opportunity to see it as an and also scenario. It is bad, and I am also learning new things about myself. It is hard, and also easier with great people around me to love and support me. It is impossible for me to see the way through this and also it is not impossible for Him. 

In my own life, there’s a silly example of me not listening to any music other than Christian music that was created from the year 2012 forward. No, I am not kidding. I stopped listening because I was so offended that George Strait and Eric Church performed on an awards show together one year and I was mortified. So, I stopped listening. I also probably had it in my head, more honestly, that because I had turned my life over to Jesus that I could not listen to that kind of music. Seriously. I know, ridiculous. As it turns out, I have discovered that all new country music is not bad and also I might actually enjoy some of it. I have not thrown my faith out the window by listening to it and nobody got hurt in the process. 

My point is, friends, that I think that whether you believe in God or not; no matter who you choose to worship, there is always an opportunity to take a quick check and see what kind of thinking we have going on inside our heads. If we are moving away from the life-sapping defense mechanism of black and white and towards more of the and also thinking while learning to operate more in that space, then we are better for it. 

Learning to operate in the and also, thinking in the and also, and speaking that into my own heart and mind has gained me a much more colorful, happy, joyful, authentic life. How about you? 

Hope, Keeping it Real

Makings of a Joy Junkie 2.0

When this whole thing started, I had written a cute little introduction about the who, what, where, why and how. That was like 9 months ago and I never posted it. I also did not get off my butt and do what God had asked me to do 9 months ago and I waited procrastinated. 

I re-read it and laughed. It was cute, it was real and it was honest. It also is not where I am right now. And that is perfectly okay. So here, we are with the 2.0 version as I actually thought about what I really want to convey. I still don’t fully know the why, but I do know the what behind it and so I am going with that because I have learned to be okay with that. Mostly. 

When I started my walk with Jesus, the real walk with Jesus, I was told that the best way to get out of my own head was to serve. As it turns out, the best way to get out of my own way is and will always be to serve. It brings me joy, it brings Him joy. That’s part of my why. 

Over the years, He had me doing things I NEVER would have chosen to do on my own. He had me serving in places I would have NEVER chosen to go. Truth is, He has been turning people upside down forever. That’s just who He is. 

Over the course of time, most of my addictions and/or compulsive behaviors have been replaced with more life-giving, healthy addictions and compulsions. The ones that are meant to help, not harm. In a sense, I am addicted to joy. His joy. That’s why I called it Joy Junkie. 

When I encounter Jesus it brings me joy EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

Long before I ever knew Jesus, I found a love for writing and sharing words through it. I was a journalist starting in high school, college and even beyond that for a few years. It was my first stop on the journey to my big dream of being an NFL broadcaster. Obviously He had different plans. 

I had the privilege of writing for our church’s daily devotional for a few years, and I have often wondered if that should be on a bigger scale. That was a whole lot of scary. But I finally decided that it is okay to try and it is okay to fail. So here we are. 

 I want to share good news for all people for all times through the gifts that I have been given. Simple as that. I also want to be inclusive of people that don’t have the same beliefs that I do. It’s okay that we don’t believe the same things. I respect our differences and maybe we can learn from each other in this. 

It is not complicated. What you need to know is this: I am real and raw. I may use language that some find offensive. I may say hard things that make you uncomfortable or make ME uncomfortable. I may share from a place of deep hurt or of radical healing. I promise to be as respectful and kind as I can be while sharing truth, humor and the occasional random subject matter. I may put into words what we all think but are not willing to say out loud. I may not put things into words that are better left between myself and God. I may or may not have a filter. 

I don’t yet fully know the why, but it is being revealed over time. Maybe you are asking why I chose to rewrite what I had already written. Well, the truth of the matter is that I recently read something written by someone that I don’t really know but that has inspired me and given me a little more courage than I had before. She wrote an entire post apologizing for not being where she was when she started, when she branded herself in a certain manner, and I realized that God was speaking to me in a million different ways through what she said and what she did. 

I don’t want to live with the gate closed, I want to live with the gate open. I don’t want to find myself apologizing for where I was, where I am and where He might take me next be that physically, spiritually or emotionally. I also don’t want to run thoughts through just the common filters of is this true, is this kind, is this helpful and all of that. I also want to do more filtering of: is this real? I am not necessarily talking about rational, I am talking about real. Like, the real me, all of me and unapologetically me. 

He uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things through His power and strength, and through our willingness to be used for His glory. That’s the real what. That’s part of my why.

Joy Junkie

Thanks for being part of the ride. My hope and prayer is that you are not staying where you are because you are afraid or unwilling to fail, fall and get back up again. We have all been there, maybe are there and will most likely be there again. 

 My prayer is that you feel hope, that you feel encouraged through raw and real, filtered and unfiltered, and everything in between. Even if not, my what is about being obedient and I am choosing to do that to the best of my ability.

Live loved today! If you like what you are reading, and care to share with others that might want to join in on the conversations, please feel free to share.

Hope, Keeping it Real

Is Good Enough Good Enough?

When you slow down enough to really think through, feel through, and pray through the circumstances of the season you’re in, the dreams about your future and take inventory of what the next right steps are God will meet you right in the middle. 

I know this is not a new concept for many of us, but sometimes we just forget, get out of practice or find ourselves just going through the motions. That’s how life works sometimes. 

Personally, I have been really fighting over so many things including the idea of being content and being fulfilled and how different those two things are. We can have one or the other and be just fine. But, my belief is that He came for us to have life and have it to the full not just in the ever after but also in the here and now. 

Those conversations we sometimes have with Him that start with the word why or what? There’s been a lot of those lately. How about you? Most of the time I am able to have my priorities and focus right and can say, “What do you want me to learn from this?” and sometimes I ask, “What is it that I am not seeing here?”. And boy, does He answer. 

I recently experienced a three-day series of totally and wholly designed by Him moments that left me so full of hope and so refocused, less afraid, less angry and more bold and excited. I heard some great leaders and pastors speak over the last 48 hours that God used to speak right into me in a way that was so desperately needed. He ALWAYS knows what we need and when we need it. 

The question on my mind beforehand to my own self was, “Are you content? Are you fulfilled?” and there was a lot of if-then-this mixed in with the answers. No shame in that game, people. But the question then comes, how good is good enough? 

I would argue that good enough is not good enough when He has so much more in store. I know He does and He always has. I am asking these questions, and God just poured into me the courage and boldness to answer truthfully. I can have both. Now, I am not talking about wanting more fulfillment or contentment in terms of material possessions, money, or any of that business. I am talking about contentment and fulfillment for my best life and the best version of my whole self I can be and in turn more able and free to share the source of true contentment and fulfillment from a full love tank. Do you know what I mean? 

Friends, I firmly believe that He wants more for us than we could ever ask for or understand, but at the same time, He loves his kids and wants to hear the desires of our heart. I was not asking for courage and boldness, I was asking the questions about what He wants for me and somehow that aligns with what I want for me. I want more than good enough. Good enough is not good enough. He answered my questions in the most unexpected ways which turned out to be exactly what I needed and when I needed it. 

Here’s the challenge for all of us today. Pray big questions. Ask big questions. Listen for those answers that come in unexpected ways and find the courage to believe that good enough is not good enough for the children of the King of Kings. His children are priceless in His eyes and Daddy will always give us what we need and when we need it.

He pours out His love lavishly, so good enough should not be good enough if it doesn’t mean contentment and fulfillment. Today, are you both content and fulfilled? If not, what needs to change?

Hope, Keeping it Real

The Things We Do

I have learned to laugh at myself and the ridiculous things I think and do. I can laugh at myself most of the time, especially when I see the silly patterns and ingrained tendencies within me that can either make me cry or laugh. The response is usually based on the day and how that day kicks off. 

There are funny (READ FUN FACT) things about me that are just silly, weird, awkward or a mix of all of the above. Things that I would be almost afraid to share with my best friends if I did not know that they all possess their own quirks, too. And we love God and other people and accept them for who they are and not as they should be. Right? 

For example: 

  1. When doing anything involving a checklist or project-I have to leave off at an even number. Let’s say I have a list of things to do at work. I won’t stop with 3, 5, or 7 things remaining. I complete them in even numbers. It bothers me to have an uneven number. 
  2. The volume setting on a device also has to be set at an even number. 
  3. When I am walking, I count steps in my head and, you guessed it, I cannot handle an uneven number.

See what I mean? Quirky. And then not so much. Maybe the connection between even numbers could be made to equality and justice and fair. I don’t know. Maybe that’s a stretch. But seeing people treated fairly, equitably and justly matters to me, too. I get a little bent out of shape over various shades of inequality and injustice. Who knows? I will have to wait to see what God has to see about that and that’s another conversation for another day.

My point is, laughing at my tendencies and odd little quirks make life so much sweeter than wrapping myself up in self-pity, self-loathing and general disdain at my whole self and identity. I am labeled as the daughter of the King of Kings and still human. My labels don’t identify me (at least not much anymore on most of the days) and so I can laugh and find humor in the silly things about me that don’t define me, but make me unique.

What labels have you placed on your pretty little head that you need to let go of? What areas of your life can you laugh about? What are the fun facts you want to share with the rest of us? This is a safe place and it’s okay to be who you are. 

Oh! In case you have forgotten, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

Hope, Keeping it Real

Flipping the Script

Since this entire year seems to have been flipped upside down and is nothing like any of us would have imagined or dreamed, I may as well just start thinking about what else can be flipped upside down. 

Way back about 47 months ago, the word “intentional” was placed on my heart. Like 2020 was going to be the year full of intentional friendships, time, giving, self-care and adventures. Well, I suppose it has been and still is but it looks on the outside a whole lot different than I thought it would. 

What about you? Did He give you a word? Do you do that? Disclaimer: I don’t sit down and ask God to give me a word that defines my year or any of that stuff, it just sort of happened without my asking for it or doing some sort of special ceremonial ritual. I was thinking about it and since He can hear our thoughts and knows our every need there it was. 

So the lifetime months since the beginning of this pandemic have really flipped the script on a lot of things. From social connection, to social isolation; from external self-care to internal self-care; from outward physical affection to asking for permission to hug your best friend; and the list goes on.

One of the things that has been flipped upside down AGAIN in my own heart and mind is self care. For me, that looked like the textbook examples of napping, time alone to recharge,  journaling, reading, quiet time with God, etc. It still does include all of that.

 But the definition of self care has been changed once again to include more than just those wonderful things and I am beginning to understand how He is at work to get me to surrender to His will. I think that is what is happening anyway. 

One of the things that this expert-level recovering codependent tends to do in their unhealthy coping mechanisms is to go from one extreme to another and also to slide into a place of isolation as a means of protection. Sound familiar? I used to do that all the time and I know where the slippery slope is. 

Do you know your slippery slope? We all do, but this whole idea of social distancing and self care can be turned into Satan’s playground if we are not careful and accountable and connected to the people who will call us out on our crap. Right?  

So, now I have the understanding of the word intentional and how, no matter what is happening in the world outside the door today, that God still has a plan for my life, my year, and my today. 

I am intentionally choosing to flip the script on what self care means. I am choosing to accept the things I can and let go of what I cannot control. I am choosing to seek His guidance for knowing the difference and desperately seeking courage to do the things. 

I am flipping the script in the middle of the year in what has got to be the craziest way yet that God has used to get my attention. Where are you with all of this crazy? Are you choosing to lean in to see what He has for you in this? Do you need to redefine some things? Because it appears that He has us in this storm for a little while longer. 

Hope, Keeping it Real

Traditionally Non-Traditional

Someone once said to me that I didn’t have any specific traditions for holidays.  At first, I was hurt by that statement and I really wanted to strike back with, “I DO have traditions, I just don’t have YOUR traditions.” But, I held my tongue captive, and after a while started to think about what she said.

 It still hurt a little, but I have been working hard at not allowing other people’s opinions and behavior to control my own for some time now. I have also learned how to see every bummer first as a blessing…giving power to negative self-talk gives your power to the enemy and frankly, he just doesn’t have the final say in my life.  

See, I enjoy being non-traditional with my traditions especially when I plan it that way. Once it was a coping mechanism, and now it is a normal way of life for me and I give myself permission and space to be okay with that choice. Before a lot of healing and recovery, traditions were attached to dysfunction and wounds of the past. In the middle of that healing process my damaged beliefs said being non-traditional meant not pleasing other people and not pleasing other people equaled failure.  Today, being non-traditional is my choice to celebrate growth and is a healthy decision for me. 

I believe that the unhealthy traditions I had before meeting Jesus have been made into new and beautiful creations. Maybe you can relate. I once held to the tradition of comparing my life and reality to the highlight reel of someone else’s life. I had the tradition of feeling anxious that my holidays would not look like I expected them to, and I had the tradition of making myself believe that that was a bad thing. There was the stronghold tradition of believing that if it was true that it was bad, then that meant I was a bad person. That’s a lot of false belief grounded in trauma.

 One thing I have come to understand in growing up in grace with Jesus is that he was non-traditional before non-traditional was cool. 

As I grew up in His grace, I began to enjoy being against the grain and so much more grateful for choosing to create memories and traditions that were my own and found so much more freedom and life in these moments than I did early on.

I am not against traditional things. I am not against joining you in celebrating your traditions. I celebrate others and their normal whether it is my preference or not within reason. The beauty of freedom in Jesus is that I am no longer a slave to people-pleasing, lack of healthy boundaries or fear of rejection. I struggle, but I am not chained to any of it. 

I have learned from Him who I am in Him and I have discovered the real me along the way. To love and honor myself, choosing to be far more relaxed, calm and loving towards myself and others. I have learned to do what’s right and healthiest for me.

We can choose to incorporate traditions or start new ones. We can choose a place of serenity in that compromise, but not break a promise to ourselves by not honoring our own preferences in the middle of that. We can choose to experience relationships and keep low expectations in the process. 

I do have traditions, they just aren’t yours. I am grateful that my being non-traditional resembles Jesus who teaches relationships over rules. I am grateful that He cares more about my desire to create room at the table more than what is served at the table. 

Let’s talk about it: Have you chosen to bend to the words and thoughts of someone other than God? What’s the first step in changing that today? Comment below. Let’s chat!