The reality of life, of grief, of my tendency to push myself until I drop has revealed itself in multiple ways over the last several months. The things that brought me joy and fulfillment; purpose and intent have all changed at some level and the circular seasons of life seem to be stuck in revisiting the same scenes over and over again.
I am reminded that God doesn’t leave us sitting in one place too long, and when we are afraid or stagnant He will find a way to move us right along. I am also reminded that I tend to pick up and lay down whatever I am most comfortable with (good or bad) at my own pace while wrestling with my ideas and plans vs. His.
I haven’t yet decided (fully) which things I want to continue to do, which ones I want to do differently, and which one of those dreams and goals I want to pursue first or at all. The last few months have brought great change, and for the first time in what seems like forever, my calendar is not full with things to do, places to be, and commitments to keep. Calm and quiet has not been experienced at this level in I don’t know how long. The thing is, that like a lot of us, if we are not used to not going at warp speed all of the time it feels a little off when we arrive at that season. For myself, a recovering codependent, I have to be self aware and committed to not creating chaos (i.e. filling my schedule to avoid XYZ feelings or thoughts; believing the lie that I had to be doing or working to earn love, etc.) because that’s what I grew up with and also worked so heard to break free from.
I have found restoration and rejuvenation in the middle of the calm and quiet, and at the same time find myself inside my own head; trying to out-maneuver the quiet looking forward to days far beyond the twenty-four-hour period I have been given. Can you relate? Finding the balance between being too busy with too many things, and not busy at all is a challenge. I am not used to being in a state of calm and quiet. and quite honestly, not sure I was cut out to be that way.
I am so glad to be in my home state. I am enthralled with the various weather patterns packed into one winter, experiencing the adjustment to much cooler weather, and looking ahead to the beautiful spring and summer that will follow. It is not always easy to find a way to live in the now and deal with the weather, but I knew that ahead of time. God is still teaching me how to live one day at a time, one moment at a time and I forget that He will remind me until I get it through my head. It is so humorous to me that even in the weather, He shows me that better days are coming, but asks me to live one day at a time.
After a time of circumstances changing literally from minute to minute, not even day to day, and now being in a place of a much slower pace I am relieved and anxious at the same time. The world is changing so quickly and the fear-cycle seems to be on a rapid-fire sequence. For me, my heart is prepared for what God has in store for this world as we know it. I tend to think that our days are numbered, and that the clock is moving quickly. It is such a difficult tension to navigate. The balance between faith and fear; living in the world and not being of it; getting too close to that slippery slope or jumping off without a parachute into the great faith unknown is part of our reality. In a fast-forward world, living one day at a time is a really big deal.
The struggle between being chaos and calm is a tension to be managed. I personally have been trying to figure that out for the last almost twelve years. My encouragement for all of us: hold to the truth of what you believe to be true as a Christian, a Buddhist, or whatever faith background you come from and keep fighting the fight to let go of the symptoms and consequences of our old brains, old behavior patterns, and vices and devices that the world around us sets in the path to distract us, detour us and discourage us. The spring will come. The new will come. For today, finding a way to live the twenty-four-hour period at relative peace is the best answer I have for myself. What about you?