I just returned from an extended trip to the home country. I had four glorious weeks at H O M E in Montana.
One would think that in all of that beauty and serenity, that words would have come to me like a firehose but that is not what happened. Since returning to the desert, the words still have not been there. So weird for someone th at is constantly thinking and pondering and wondering and seemingly has a lot to say-sometimes too much to say.
While I was reading Bible scriptures and trying to get back in the groove today, I was thinking about the feeling of home and all that it was and all that it is. I was thinking about where God has me in this moment and season and seriously wondering why I could not feel Him. As if He has gone anywhere.
Maybe I was so focused on praying about my daughter’s return to health from having contracted COVID-19 that there was no room for any other words.
Part of the issue is that I am still recovering and reflecting on all that I was able to see, do and experience while at home with family in the places I love most. The other part, I suddenly realized, is that He is not gone away but my heart and soul are so at peace that I am not sure what to do with myself.
I know that He has filled so many holes in my heart over the years and that He has and will continue to do so. I just realized today that He was doing just that while I was on my little adventure. I was so filled up in His presence and surrounded by His glory that the holes were made whole. Even if for just a little moment in time, I was completely at peace and totally in a place of calm and serenity.
As a recovering codependent that tends to thrive in chaos, find chaos and create chaos when things become too calm (i.e. too close to making room for feelings and vulnerability) I am not looking for chaos but definitely not settled in calmness. So weird how that little itchy spot still tends to itch without me even realizing it. No surprise to Him, I am sure.
John 3:17 says this: “Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”
No truer words apply for this day. No greater hope for what that scripture means for the one day that He returns or even for tomorrow.
The words are coming, He continues to fill the holes and make me whole, and I am full of gratitude and hope even when I don’t understand.
So how are the holes in your heart? Are you feeling them or are you filling them? What are you filling them with?